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Lies I Tell Myself About Myself

by Bee Kay Esq.

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Comes in a jewel case featuring beautiful artwork by Sara Lynx and photography by Justine Johnson. Also includes a handwritten note/surprise from Bee!

    Includes unlimited streaming of Lies I Tell Myself About Myself via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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      $10 USD or more 

     

1.
I'll Be Fine 03:17
I never fall in love I fall in love all the time I never fall in love I fall in love all the time I've got the rest of my life I'm running out of time I never fall in love I fall in love all the time I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright I'll be fine I'll be fine I'll never kiss you again I wanna kiss you all the time I'll never kiss you again I wanna kiss you 'til I die I'm never by myself I feel alone all the time I got the rest of my life I'm running out of time I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright I'll be fine I'll be fine I'll be fine I got the rest of my life I'm not gonna waste my time I got the rest of my life I'm not gonna waste my time I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright I'll be fine Yeah, I'll be fine
2.
I Came 03:39
You called for my body You called for my blood And I came Yeah, I came You wanted somebody You didn't have to love But I came Yeah, I came You know I'll be there And you don't even have to care 'Cuz I came Yeah, I came You threw me out back Threw me out like trash Back, I came Yeah, I still came You bruised me up good You hardened up my wood And I came Yeah, I came You can take what you want And leave me to rot 'Cuz I came Yeah, I came Cats are in the kitchen, licking up their cream You rang the doorbell and it started to steam And I came Yeah, I came
3.
The heart wants, but the body is composed Of a hotly thrumming bruise I can't stop and I really should know better But the white light never loses Because we all know this is gonna hurt This is gonna hurt I just want your hands on me (And I don't care what they do when they get there) 'Cuz if you touch me You must love me just a little Just enough to breathe Just enough to burn Just enough to bleed My legs shake and they open and close And nobody ever knows What to say because you get it or you don't Either you'll want me or you won't But we all know this is gonna hurt This is gonna hurt I just want your hands on me (And I don't care what they do when they get there) 'Cuz if you touch me You must love me just a little Just enough to breathe Just enough to burn Just enough to bleed It's never enough
4.
I don't want your hangups I don't want your shame I want you disheveled I want you unrestrained Don't wanna be a secret Don't wanna be appropriate Make me, break me, fix me Take me Kill me and make me new Kill me and make me new I will take your hunger I will take your need Touch me with your fingertips Touch me and I'll bleed Tired of being cautious Tired of being nervous Make me, break me, fix me Take me Kill me and make me new Kill me and make me new I don't want this body I don't want this life I just wanna be a pigment In the grayest part at the center of your eyes I need I need I need Make me, break me, fix me Take me Kill me and make me new Kill me and make me new I don't want your hangups I don't want your shame I believe this is how we're supposed to play this game
5.
Daddy 02:36
Daddy touch me like I'm gonna shatter He knows how close to the surface I am Daddy knows I have a hair-trigger Keeps me exploding right into his hand Daddy knows I can't take a lover Lovers want me to be more than I am Daddy's gonna make it all better My daddy, he's a bad man He doesn't He doesn't make He doesn't make me wait He won't He won't let He won't let me break My daddy's got needy fingers My daddy's got an angry palm Daddy knows I got something in there And he'll help me get it out if I don't squirm Daddy's angry when I'm naughty Daddy's angry when I'm bad Daddy says he's gonna make me better He's the best daddy a babe could have He doesn't He doesn't make He doesn't make me wait He won't He won't let He won't let me break
6.
Ruined 04:06
Kill me and eat the ashes and— Oh My God I Am Not Joking, I Am Never Joking When I Say It Hurts—make me disappear. Make me anything else. I Am Too Sensitive To Live And Too Stubborn To Die. I Am Too Swollen To Live And Too Dense To Die. I Am A Shard Of Glass. Don't Let Me Get In Your Eye. I Am A Cancerous Mass, So Tell Me Goodbye. I Am Never Getting Better. There Is No Better For Me. I'd do it if I had the nerve and I Think That's Why I Love People When I Believe They Could End Me In One Blow. Make me disappear. Make me a fond memory. I Am Too Broken To Live And Too Useful To Die. I Am Too Selfish To Live And Too Needy To Die. I Am A Shard Of Glass. Don't Let Me Get In Your Eye. I Am A Cancerous Mass, So Tell Me Goodbye. I Could Be Anything And Still I'd Be Ruined
7.
Do your feelings have an off switch? Is your heart superfluous? I wanna scream in your mouth until you know what this drowning is until you're with me inside of it Do you love me now? Do you love me yet? Do you love? Do I run too hot for you? Afraid my chaos will swallow you? Can you go home to your wife and just forget me, too? Is this that game that I always lose? Do you love me now? Do you love me yet? Do you love?
8.
Bloodletting 04:08
I fill my lines with lies I tell myself about myself But these next few are true I am the kind inside that feels constricted in diamonds but perfect and free painted with a bruise I'm into blood, I'm into bloodletting I thought you should know, you should know what you're getting If it's not real I can't feel I'm number than I ought to be But my white light shines bright Your hand enclosed on my throat and your eyes locked on me Feels like a fire on a winter's night I'm into blood, I'm into bloodletting I thought you should know, you should know what you're getting If you can't take me You won't get me If you can't take me You won't get me at all I'm into blood, I'm into bloodletting (my light has no way out) I thought you should know, you should know what you're getting
9.
Rich 03:38
Why pull my heart out of the basement when you'll hand it back as soon as I unwrap it? “It's nice,” you say. It's bright and full, but it's wet and heavy and your fingers will soil. If you touch me too much I'll never get enough If you knock on this door You'll get more than you bargained for The strength of my love is too rich for your blood Been asleep underground. Oh, dig up my cold grave just to see what's inside and leave me wide awake. If you touch me too much I'll never get enough If you knock on this door I am more than you bargained for I am more than you bargained for The strength of my love is too rich for your blood The strength of my love is too rich for your blood I am more than you bargained for
10.

about

Bee Kay Esq., Portland, Maine-based attorney, activist, performance artist, founding member of MESH Portland, 2020 candidate for United States Senate, and Portland's second-Best Public Intellectual, has been waiting a long, long time to put out an album. The Portland Phoenix calls this debut: "provocative, empowering, adventurous, and fun."

Originally a sort of dumping ground for excess emotion, “Lies I Tell Myself About Myself” tells a story about the darkest moments before the dawn in recovery from sexual violence, but does so with the same wink-and-deranged-grin as Bee Kay Esq.’s messy, fake-blood-and-glitter-encrusted burlesque. MrGadget, member of Troubled Girl and beatmaker behind dozens of other local acts, joined the project in April and brings to it years of electronic music finesse and experimentation. Moving through notes of rock, industrial, disco, and hip hop, the album pits such themes as codependency and suicidal ideation against eminently danceable grooves using inhuman instrumentation to give voice to the glitchy cognitive dissonance of human vulnerability. Ultimately, “Lies I Tell Myself About Myself” is an album for (and by) the sort of people who want to roll down their windows, turn up the speakers, and rock out with their existential dread out.

credits

released December 7, 2018

All tracks produced and engineered by MrGadget.

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about

Bee Kay Esq. Portland, Maine

Bee Kay Esq. is a US Senate candidate, attorney, & rad fat queer performance artist. Lies I Tell Myself About Myself, the debut album, moves through the darkest moment before the dawn in recovery from sexual violence. With producer/collaborator MrGadget, Bee Kay Esq. uses inhuman instruments to give voice to human vulnerability. It's for people who wanna rock out with their existential dread out. ... more

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